


What would be your superhero name

by petersoftieparker



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, College AU, F/F, F/M, M/M, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Peter Parker is a Young Boy, THEY’RE ALL FRIENDS, clint and Nat cause I love that, gen z humor, probably gonna turn into crack, that rhymed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-05-02 08:03:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 8,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petersoftieparker/pseuds/petersoftieparker
Summary: Another texting/social media fic, but they’re all in college and around the same age





	1. lets do this motherfuckers

peter parker has added 14 others to the chat  
(4:37am) 

peter parker has renamed the chat to let’s do this motherfuckers 

tony stark: i told you this was a bad idea and you still did it 

peter parker: hush 

clint barton: blint carton in the houseeee 

natasha romanov: are you aware that it’s 4 in the morning? 

peter parker: yes 

natasha romanov: then why are you doing this right now? 

peter parker: sorry ms natasha ma’am  
peter parker: you can leave if you want 

steve rogers: look what you did nat. now he’s upset 

mj: i can confirm that he is not upset and is just scared of nat

natasha romanova: as he should be 

peter parker: stfu mj before i kick you out of my dorm 

mj: bet 

peter parker: -_- 

mj: that’s what i thought

peter parker: whatever 

(6:19am) 

rhodey: do you guys ever sleep 

tony stark: sorry honeybear, we can’t all be mentally stable and have normal sleep schedules like you 

clint barton: lol  
clint barton: ‘honeybear’ 

tony stark: are you looking to die today, barton 

natasha romanov: trust me, if he was possible to kill i would have already done it 

clint barton: :(

steve rogers: this is why the kid is scared of you  
steve rogers: youre like a psychopath 

ned leeds: omg peter who are these people 

peter parker: the seniors i’m friends with  
peter parker: and then there’s wanda who’s a junior 

tony stark: hey ted 

ned leeds: omg tony stark just talked to me asdfg

mj: chill out ned, put away your fanboy boner 

tony stark: i’m,,, flattered? 

ned leeds: stfu mj he’s the smartest person to ever attend this school 

mj: fight me 

steve rogers: no fighting in the house, children  
stever rogers: @buckybarnes wya i’m surrounded by idiots 

clint barton: r00d 

bucky barnes: i was trying to ignore this chat but i was summoned 

steve rogers: if i have to deal w it u have to deal w it 

tony stark: can you like spell out your words please  
tony stark: you look like an idiot 

steve rogers: your moms an idiot 

tony stark: my moms dead 

peter parker: so is mine!! dead mom twinsies!!!


	2. dino nuggets

(3:32pm)

mj: peter fucking parker  
mj: did you eat my dino nuggets 

peter parker: jared, 19  
peter parker: and i never fucking learned how to read 

clint barton: i was present when he ate your dino nuggets and i can confirm that he did 

mj: this is why you’re my favorite 

peter parker: get fucked barton 

clint barton: she scares me pete. 

mj: good 

clint barton: she’s scarier than nat 

natasha romanov: wanna rethink that 

clint barton: she’s almost as scary as nat 

natasha romanov: <3 

peter parker: fuck outta here with that romance bullshit 

(2:51am) 

peter parker: what if we all see different colors but refer to them with the same name. so like i call a color pink but what if i actually see blue and in your eyes it’s actually green but we call it pink 

wanda maximoff: wut 

peter parker: if i have perfect eye sight and put on someone else’s glasses is that what they see without their glasses 

tony stark: stfu i’m trying to watch B99 

bucky barnes: both of you stfu cause i’m trying to sleep 

ned: sleep is for pu$$ies 

peter parker: facts 

bucky barnes: i will destroy your bloodline if you keep texting 

peter parker: jokes on you bitch  
peter parker: my bloodline has already been destroyed 

tony stark: lol same 

bucky barnes: just because you guys have shitty lives doesn’t mean you have to keep me up 

peter parker: listen dude-bro, that’s rood 

rhodey: y’all are fucking annoying 

peter parker: ‘y’all’  
peter parker: lol 

rhodey: end your fuckin life 

peter parker: bitch i fucking might 

tony stark: pete  
tony stark: no 

peter parker: just kidding i’m a bad bitch you can’t kill me :DDD


	3. tony’s allergic to peanuts

(2:31pm)

peter parker: i’m having a bisexual crisis 

wanda maximoff: oml  
wanda maximoff: not this again 

mj: let me guess   
mj: harry osborn? 

clint barton: no that was last week

peter parker: why are you guys keeping track 

tony stark: because it happens nearly three times a week 

peter parker: what can i say   
peter parker: guys are hot

wanda maximoff: what’s his name 

peter parker: i don’t want to tell you guys 

clint barton: what? why? 

peter parker: cause you’re gonna embarrass me!

tony stark: no we won’t just tell us

peter parker: no 

clint barton: i’ll do your homework for 2 weeks 

peter parker: i don’t want your dumbass doing my homework 

clint barton: thats probably a good choice

tony stark: what if i do your homework

peter parker: ...  
peter parker: no 

natasha romanov: peter   
natasha romanov: tell us 

peter parker: hi ms natasha   
peter parker: i’m afraid if i tell you then you guys are gonna embarrass me but ms natasha scares me 

natasha romanov: name 

peter parker: harley keener ms natasha ma’am

tony stark has added harley keener to the chat 

peter parker: you fuCK   
peter parker: why won’t it let me take him out  
peter parker: staRK PLS TAKE HIM OUT 

harley keener: do i know y’all 

clint barton: ‘y’all’  
clint barton: lol 

harley keener: idk you but i’ll kill you  
harley keener: oh, i know peter, you’re in my chem class right 

peter parker: no 

harley keener: that’s a shame  
harley keener: the peter parker from my chem class is hot as fuck

peter parker: in that case, i am the peter parker from your chem class

tony stark has removed harley keener from the chat 

peter parker: you fuCK   
peter parker: BRING HIM BACK  
peter parker: WHY WONT IT LET ME BRING HIM BACK 

tony stark: this is what you get for eating all the toaster strudels 

peter parker: nsnxjshshd im sorry   
peter parker: they were just so good 

(5:17am) 

peter parker: tony’s gonna be pissed when he wakes up 

steve rogers: why 

peter parker: i filled his entire bedroom with peanuts 

bucky barnes: wtf   
bucky barnes: why 

peter parker: i’ve seen all the pranks where you fill your roommates room with things when they’re asleep and peanuts are really cheap so i went to walmart and bought 50 giant bags of peanuts 

rhodey: tony’s allergic to peanuts 

peter parker: o fuck 

(7:56am) 

tony stark: i lived bitch


	4. so smol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can’t help but love peter

(11:39pm) 

peter parker: guys someone is following me  
peter parker: it’s starting to creep me out 

steve rogers: i’ll kill them 

natasha romanov: where are you? 

peter parker: i just passed dorm room F  
peter parker: i’m still 15 minutes away from the apartment 

natasha romanov: i’ll be there in 5 

steve rogers: me too 

(11:43pm) 

tony stark: if you guys are ever wondering what it feels like to get the shit beaten out of you by nat  
tony stark: it hurts 

bucky barnes: why did nat beat the shit out of you 

tony stark: i was playing a prank on peter

peter parker: translation, he was creepily following me around campus so he could get me back for the peanut thing 

tony stark: you alMOST KILLED ME 

peter parker: but i didn’t 

tony stark: fair 

natasha romanov: tony is surprisingly easy to beat up 

tony stark: fuck you romanov 

clint barton: that’s my job 

peter parker: EW 

tony stark: you’re hurting his baby ears 

peter parker: i’m gonna feed you a peanut smoothie 

tony stark: do it  
tony stark: bitch, you won’t 

steve rogers: tony stop being suicidal on main 

tony stark: sorry, dAd 

steve rogers: i’m not your dad tony 

tony stark: maybe i want you to be ;)

peter parker: EW  
peter parker has left the chat 

natasha romanov: aw  
natasha romanov: why do i kinda miss him 

steve rogers: he's making you soft

natasha romanov: i don’t like it 

bucky barnes: it happens to the best of has romanov 

natasha romanov: he’s just so smol

tony stark: we know 

natasha romanov: if you tell peter anything i just said you’ll all be dead in seconds 

steve rogers: and she’s back


	5. bent spoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter has gay panic

(9:24am) 

peter parker: AHHHH   
peter parker: asdfghjkl 

wanda maximoff: i don’t want to know 

peter parker: qwertyuiop 

bucky barnes: text ned 

peter parker: zxcvbnm 

wanda maximoff: peter i s2g 

clint barton: if you don’t let him say what he’s gotta say he’ll explode

peter parker: nahxjshsxh 

wanda maximoff: ffs whatever 

tony stark: well lets hear it kid 

peter parker: i’m in loVE   
peter parker: I WANT TO MARRY HIM 

clint barton: who? 

peter parker: HARLEY KEENER YOU BENT SPOON 

steve rogers: bent spoon? 

peter parker: SHUT THE FUCK UP OLD MAN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND YOUNG PEOPLE

steve rogers: i’m only 3 years older than you!   
steve rogers: tony and i are the same age why isn’t he an old man 

peter parker: CAUSE TONY IS MY FRIEND 

steve rogers: AM I NOT YOUR FRIEND 

peter parker: IDK ARE YOU 

steve rogers: I THOUGHT WE WERE 

peter parker: okay then we can be friends :) 

natasha romanov: what the fuck just happened 

peter parker: friendship happened   
peter parker: are you my friend ms natasha 

natahsa romanov: ofc peter 

tony stark: coughsoftcough 

natasha romanov: do you want to die 

tony stark: maybe 

peter parker: tony you can’t die  
peter parker: who’s gonna pay the rent if you’re dead 

tony stark: i’ll leave you my entire fortune 

peter parker: now that we got that settled go ahead ms natasha 

wanda maximoff: how did it get to this   
wanda maxinofff: i thought peter was having gay panic 

peter parker: oh right  
peter parker: IM IN LOVE


	6. clunt

(2:56am) 

ned leeds: so,, we might have a problem  
ned leeds: it’s about peter

mj: is he hurt what’s going on 

peter parker: hiiiii mj djxh

mj:? 

peter parker: youreew such a goooob friemd 

steve rogers: he’s drunk isn’t he 

ned leeds: maybe a little bit 

peter parker: i ate tequila  
peter parker: and liek 183881 bears  
peter parker: beers 

tony stark: jesus  
tony stark: where are you guys 

peter parker: your moms house 

ned leeds: dorm rooms E 

tony stark: be there in 10 

(3:09am) 

peter parker: i’m in a spaceship  
peter parker: omg theresan aliensnxjs 

ned leeds: peter that’s just tony 

peter parker: lol he looooks liek an alien 

natasha romanov: yeah peter  
natasha romanov: he does look like an alien 

tony stark: fuck you romanov 

peter parker: tony that wrong  
peter parker: she’s dating clunt 

tony stark: clunt 

tony stark has changed clint barton’s name to clunt 

clunt: this is bullying 

peter parker: oh look it’s clit  
peter parker: clunt  
peter parker: no wait  
peter parker: clint 

natahsa romanov: this is amusing 

clunt: shut up nat 

natahsa romanov: clit 

clunt has left the chat 

peter parker: bye clunt


	7. trevor the busted ass toaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback to how peter and tony became roommates

(4:56pm) 

steve rogers: peter how did you and tony become roommates? 

peter parker: he hasn’t told you 

clint barton: actually no he never has 

peter parker: buckle in kids  
peter parker: now, this is a story all about how my life got switched turned upside down and i’d like to take a minute just sit right there i’ll tell you how i became tony stark’s roommate 

tony stark: was that necessary 

peter parker: very  
peter parker anyways, lets go 

(7 month ago) 

(11:47am)

private chat between peter parker and tony stark 

tony stark: wanna study for that exam tonight 

peter parker: i cant. i gotta meet my landlord  
peter parker: my toilet exploded  
peter parker: like literally fucking blew up 

tony stark: are you serious 

peter parker: yup i’m covered in shit water  
peter parker: and the kitchen sink got clogged again so i tried to use the plunger and the pipe burst 

tony stark: you know i’m looking for a roommate right? 

peter parker: no  
peter parker: i’m not gonna spring that on you 

tony stark: peter you live in a shit hole 

peter parker: rood  
peter parker: it’s still a no 

tony stark: ffs 

peter parker: i got to go i’m meeting my landlord at that coffee shop in 10 minutes 

tony stark: think about it 

(2:26pm) 

peter parker: FUCK  
peter parker: I GOT FUCKIN ROBBED  
peter parker: ALL MY SHIT LITERALLY EVERYTHING 

tony stark: peter chill 

peter parker: WDYM CHILL EVERYTHING IS GONE TONY ALL OF MY STUFF THE REST OF MY UNCLES STUFF THEY EVEN TOOK MY BUSTED ASS TOASTER  
peter parker: NOT TO MENTION MY LANDLORD DIDNT SHOW UP AND I SAT THERE FOR TWO HOURS WAITING FOR HIM 

tony stark: i talked to your landlord 

peter parker: what  
peter parker: why 

tony stark: i talked to your landlord and he said he was gonna kick you out anyway 

peter parker: what the fuck 

tony stark: so i paid your last month off and sent movers to get all your shit 

peter park: what 

tony stark: it’s at my apartment  
tony stark: welcome roomie 

peter parker: fuck you 

tony stark: i was expecting something more along the lines of ‘thank you’ 

peter parker: fuck you for being such a good friend 

tony stark: i’ll take that as a thank you  
tony stark: now can you come here and put all your shit away 

peter parker: i’ll be there in 15 minutes 

tony stark: also, i threw away your busted ass toaster 

peter parker: :(  
peter parker: you threw out trevor 

tony stark: please tell me you didn’t name your broken toaster 

peter parker: ,,,, no i didn’t name trevor 

(present) 

peter parker: and that’s how it happened :D 

tony stark: that was the day i made the worst mistake of my life 

peter parker: D: 

clint barton: that was more chaotic than i expected


	8. no shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thor and loki

(1:56pm) 

peter parker: new kid alert  
peter parker: o shit 2 new kids  
peter parker: o shit they’re hot  
peter parker: not as hot as harley but still hot 

steve rogers: yeah i met them earlier in my psych class  
steve rogers: they're brothers 

peter parker: omg hot brothers  
peter parker: this is one of the best days of my life 

tony stark: this is the best day of your life? that’s sad 

peter parker: die 

tony stark: ok 

peter parker: onE OF THEM TALKED TO ME KAHXJSDB  
peter parker: HIS NAMES THOR AND HIS BROTHERS NAME IS LOKI 

tony stark: weird ass names 

peter parker: stfu 

(2:34pm) 

peter parker: i got both of their numbers  
peter parker: and i’m adding them 

tony stark: peter we don’t need any more friends 

peter parker: your opinion means nothing to me 

tony stark: do you want to be homeless 

peter parker added thor and loki 

tony stark: have fun living on the streets 

thor: peter these must be your friends 

peter parker: yeah i thought you and your brother could use some friends 

thor: how thoughtful thank you

loki: hi peter 

peter parker: hi loki  
peter parker: everybody this is thor and loki 

tony stark: hey 

natahsa romanov: i’m natasha 

steve rogers: hey i’m steve 

bucky barnes: bucky 

peter parker: there are others but they’re not online rn 

(3:56pm) 

wanda maximoff: i just saw the hottest dude i’ve ever seen in my entire fucking life  
wanda maximoff: he had black hair and he was tall and his name was something weird but it was fucking hot 

(3:59pm) 

wanda maximoff: LOKI HIS NAME WAS LOKI 

peter parker: this is awkward 

loki: huh my names loki 

wanda maximoff: FUCK 

wanda maximoff has left the chat 

peter parker: ahaha that’s some funny shit 

tony stark: i think you’re forgetting the way you spoke of thor and loki this morning 

tony stark sent a screenshot 

peter parker: what’re you trying to embarrass me  
peter parker: i have no shame 

tony stark: bet 

peter parker: bet 

tony stark has added harley keener 

peter parker: NO  
peter parker: YOU WIN JUST NO 

harley keener: oh  
harley keener: you guys again 

tony stark has sent 3 screenshots (basically peter’s gay panic over harley) 

peter parker: i’m going to die  
peter parker: jesus take me now 

harley keener: aww  
harley keener: that’s cute 

peter parker: what now 

harley keener: it’s cute pete we should go out some time 

peter parker: fuCK YEAH 

tony stark has removed harley keener from the chat 

peter parker: FUCK YOU 

tony stark: no thanks  
tony stark: why don’t you ask harley 

peter parker: i can’t now that you KICKED HIM FROM THE CHAT


	9. people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone meets harley   
> well, meets him through text

(3:23am) 

peter parker has added harley keener to the chat

peter parker: tony if you kick him i’ll eat the toaster strudels 

tony stark: don’t fucking touch my toaster strudels 

peter parker: then we have an agreement 

tony stark: i guess so 

peter parker: :D   
peter parker: guys this is harley 

tony stark: peter nobodies awake rn it’s 3 am 

peter parker: stfu old man

tony stark: you’re really asking to be homeless 

steve rogers: FINALLY IM NOT THE ONLY OLD MAN 

peter parker: tony’s not an old man i just wanted to prove that we weren’t the only ones awake 

steve rogers: whatever 

natasha romanov: so this is harley 

peter parker: yes ma’am

natasha romanov: i’m assuming he’s asleep   
natasha romanov: which means he’s not insane like the rest of you so i approve 

peter parker: :) 

natasha romanov: if he hurts you i’ll break every bone in his body 

peter parker: nat :’) you really do care 

tony stark: you have that affect on people parker 

peter parker: that’s cause i’m baby 

steve rogers: i don’t know what that means but it makes sense for some reason 

(6:47am) 

harley keener: why did you have to add me to the chat at an ungodly hour 

peter parker: who says ungodly hour 

harley keener: uhm   
harley keener: me 

peter parker: fair enough 

harley keener: anyways   
harley keener: hey guys i’m harley 

bucky barnes: trust me we know 

loki: i’ve only known him for 4 days and you’re all he talks about 

peter parker: stop exposing me 

wanda maximoff: wanna hear embarrassing stories? 

harley keener: god yes 

peter parker: i’ll kill you wanda 

wanda maximoff: you’re like a little kitten parker

peter parker: i have,,, people

wanda maximoff: sureee 

peter parker: try me   
peter parker: natasha wanda is bullying me 

natasha romanov: get ready to die bitch 

wanda maximoff has left the chat 

peter parker: boom   
peter parker: people 

harley keener: i wanted to hear those stories 

peter parker: one day harls, but not today 

tony stark: omfg harls   
tony stark: that’s some of the cutest shit i’ve ever read 

rhodey: i think i just saw tony wipe a single tear from his eye 

tony stark: our baby boy is growing up :’) 

peter parker: wtf 

rhodey: shh let him have his moment 

tony stark: okay i’m back   
tony stark: harley if you hurt him you die   
tony stark: we’ve got people 

peter parker: omg stop 

tony stark: and to get my point across i’m gonna list those people 1) natahsa romanov, she can literally kill you by giving you ‘the look™️‘ 2) steve rogers, hes fucking huge bro abs for days 3) bucky barnes, also fucking huge his thighs will break every bone in your body 4) clint barton, one time he climbed through my ceiling vents and dropped down onto me while i was sleeping and threatened to stab me cause i ate his hot cheetos 5) wanda maximoff, she’s just kinda scary 6) mj, also fucking scary 7) thor, only known him for 4 days and he’ll die for peter 8) loki, i think this guys got some voodoo magic bullshit 9) rhodey, he’ll just kill you 10) ned leeds, he’s a good bro and will also die for peter 11) me, hurt him and it’ll be a long death 

peter parker: jesus fucking christ


	10. $25,000 couch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter kinda sucks but whatever

(5:47pm) 

tony stark: PETER FUCKING PARKER 

peter parker: IM SORRY 

tony stark: NO YOUR NOT 

peter parker: YOU'RE RIGHT I’M NOT 

tony stark: FUCK YOU 

peter parker: NO THANKS I’LL PASS 

clint barton: what happened 

tony stark: i walked into my apartment to find him and his boy toy making out on my $25,000 couch 

peter parker: $25,000 !!!! jesus christ 

tony stark: yeah and now it’s contaminated   
tony stark: i’m throwing it out 

harley keener: bitch wtf   
harley keener: don’t throw it out give it to me 

peter parker: harley stfu 

clint barton: you’re gonna talk to your bf like that   
clint barton: rood 

peter parker: not my bf 

harley keener: not yet 

tony stark: you guys looked like boy friends when you were fonDLING EACH OTHER ON MY COUCH 

peter parker: STOP YELLING AT ME 

tony stark: YOU STOP YELLING AT ME 

peter parker: okay 

tony stark: okay 

peter parker: :) 

harley keener: i’m so fucking confused 

clint barton: that’s how i feel all the time 

tony stark: that’s cause you’re a fucking idiot 

clint barton: :(


	11. #killthestraights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get you a man that drives you to the hospital after you get bitten by a potentially poisonous spider and might be dying, heart eyes

(11:38am) 

peter parker: i was just bit by a huge ass spider 

clint barton: i hope it kills you 

peter parker: i hope it kills me too 

natasha romanov: pete, no 

peter parker: we’re all gonna die eventually so why don’t i just speed it up a little bit 

harley keener: petey pie :(  
harley keener: if you die who is gonna make out with me on the old mans couch 

steve rogers: do this in private chats i don’t want to hear it 

peter parker: die 

steve rogers: if i die i’m taking you w me 

peter parker: DEAL 

natasha romanov: rogers you’re corrupting him now shut your dumb face hole before i come to your dorm 

steve rogers: bet 

peter parker: aslandjsj steVE DONT CHALLENGE HER 

steve rogers: she’s not gonnabdjdnxhsjsbx 

harley keener: wtf 

peter parker: she got him 

harley keener: AHAHA  
harley keener: natasha idek you but you’re great 

natasha romanov: i know ;) 

clint barton: keener stop flirting w my girlfriend 

harley keener: trust me, i don’t swing that way 

peter parker: GUYS, I THINK I NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL  
peter parker: I THINK THE SPIDER WAS POISONOUS

clint barton: die quieter 

harley keener: i’ll be at urs in 10 minutes to take you 

tony stark: did you just use u and you in the same sentence 

peter parker: get you a man who drives you to the hospital after you get bitten by a potentially poisonous spider and might be dying, heart eyes 

mj: i muted this chat for this exact reason 

peter parker: sorry that me dyiNG IS BOTHERING YOY 

mj: yoy 

clint barton: yoy 

harley keener: yoy 

peter parker: put your fuckinf phone down before you crash dumb bitch 

nat romanov: fuckinf 

tony stark: fuckinf lol 

peter parker: so you show up when i make a typo but not when a weird ass spider bites me  
peter parker: fake friend 

tony stark: you’ll be fine 

peter parker: i wouldn’t be so surjdhcjdjc 

harley keener: HE JUST FUCKING PASSED OUT 

mj: BAHAHAHA 

(1:23pm) 

harley keener: turns out the spider bite wasn’t lethal 

tony stark: sadly 

harley keener: it just made him pass out and he’s sick as shit 

peter parker: fuck you stark 

harley keener: what abt me? :( 

steve rogers: EW  
steve rogers: fuck outta here w that romance shit 

peter parker: this is what i call homophobia  
peter parker: #killthestraights


	12. flash can eat a dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nat and peter get arrested 
> 
> (sorry for any typos i wrote this really quick)

(11:56am) 

clint barton: so  
clint barton: who’s gonna tell me why i have to go and pick nat up from jail 

tony stark: what!?

clint barton: i know one of you knows and i have a feeling that someone is peter bc she was supposed to be hanging w him tonight 

harley keener: peter can’t come to the phone right now 

clint barton: why’s that? 

tony stark: o shit 

harley keener: funny story ahaha 

clint barton: i bet it’s not that funny 

harley keener: you’d be correct 

steve rogers: are you gonna tell us or... 

harley keener: wellllll 

tony stark: ffs keener spit it out 

harley keener: so you know flash thompson 

tony stark: fuck face thompson, yep 

steve rogers: omfg what’d he do 

harley keener: peter was out with nat and he went to grab coffees while nat used the bathroom and flash called peter a ‘fag’ so peter punched him in the face and then flash beat the shit out of peter and then nat came out and saw flash beating the shit out of peter so nat beat the shit out of flash and then all three of them got arrested and they got put in the same sell and flash called peter a ‘no good homo’ and nat beat the shit out of him again 

clint barton: i fucking love my girlfriend 

harley keener: i fucking love your girlfriend for sticking up for my boyfriend 

tony stark: i fucking love your girlfriend for sticking up for my son 

steve rogers: that’s kinda weird tony 

tony stark: suck my dick grandpa 

steve rogers: i think i’ll pass

tony stark: anyways  
tony stark: how much is bail 

clint barton: for all three probably around $1000-$2000 

tony stark: i’ll venmo you 

clint barton: tony stark is a good bro 

tony stark: damn right 

clint barton: i just got here so i’ll keep you updated 

tony stark: i just did some extensive research on mr eugene thompson found his deepest darkest secrets and exposed them all online 

harley keener: how tf 

tony stark: i’m tony stark that’s how tf

(1:27pm) 

peter parker: hey guysss  
peter parker: how it be 

steve rogers: how was your time in jail 

peter parker: worth it. i broke his nose 

tony stark: fuck yeah good job 

natasha romanoff: you’re forgetting the part where he also broke your nose gave you a black eye and it now looks like you were in a car crash and then i gave him a concussion

peter parker: oh yeah  
peter parker: i forgot about that

natasha romanov: dipshit 

peter parker: at least i look like a bad ass now 

harley keener: keep telling yourself that baby 

peter parker: you don’t think i look like a badass  
peter parker: :(

harley keener: i think whatever you want me to think 

peter parker: <3 

clint barton: nat why don’t you ever send me hearts 

natasha romanov: because i hate you 


	13. Chapter 13

(2:12am) 

peter parker: someone just asked me what obama’s last name is 

mj: ok 

peter parker: like am i supposed to know that 

tony stark: are you fucking kidding me 

steve rogers: where are you at 2 in the morning 

peter parker: mcdonald’s   
peter parker: i wanted a mcpick 2 

natasha romanov: peter   
natasha romanov: what’s obama’s last name 

peter parker: idk that’s the issue we’re having 

harley keener: petey   
harley keener: u dumb 

clint barton: idk obama’s last name either 

tony stark: OBAMAS LAST NAME IS OBAMA YOU MORMONS   
tony stark: MORONS* 

harley keener: mormons lmao skhxhs 

tony stark: stfu keener 

peter parker: so what’s obama’s first name ?

steve rogers: and they call you a genius 

peter parker: you think i’m a genius :’) 

tony stark: not after this 

clint barton: WHATS OBAMAS FIRST NAME 

natasha romanov: i’m dating an idiot 

clint barton: rood 

(9:34am) 

peter parker: barack   
peter parker: barack obama 

clint barton: OHHH   
clint barton: i thought they always said ‘da rock obama’ like he’s the rock 

tony stark: you’re thinking of dwayne johnson   
tony stark: he’s the rock

peter parker: your moms the rock ;) 

harley keener: the rock in bed 

peter parker: AYEEEEEE 

steve rogers: that makes no sense at all 

tony stark: they’re idiots   
tony stark: so it made sense for them 

peter parker: you guys are so mean to me :( 

harley keener: it’s ok petey 

peter parker: :( 

harley keener: come to my dorm 

peter parker: :) 

harley keener: we can have a movie night 

tony stark: yeah sure  
tony stark: like all you’re gonna be doing is watching movies 

harley keener: ;)


	14. idk kyle but fuck kyle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kyles a dumb bitch

(8:44pm) 

peter parker has kicked harley keener from the chat 

peter parker: i’m really sorry to do this  
peter parker: but can someone come and get me

natasha romanov: of course  
natasha romanov: where are you 

peter parker: harley’s dorm

natasha romanov: i’ll be there in a few 

(10:03pm) 

mj: peter why is harley blowing up my phone 

peter parker: block him 

tony stark: woah woah   
tony stark: what happened and do i need to kill him 

clint barton: i already took care of it 

tony stark: is he dead 

clint barton: no i just scared the shit out of him 

steve rogers: what’d he do 

peter parker: there’s this dude named kyle 

mj: idk kyle but fuck kyle 

peter parker: he made a move on harley and harley didn’t stop him   
peter parker: we aren’t exclusive but i really like him guys

tony stark: we know   
tony stark: i’m sorry pete 

natasha romanov: he’s gonna spend the night at me and clint’s tonight   
natasha romanov: we have snacks and romcoms if anyone wants to join 

tony stark: i’ll be there in 10 

steve rogers: omw

mj: wanda and i will come by   
mj: i’ll pick ned up on the way 

peter parker: i love you guys 

tony stark: we love you too pete


	15. tony stank don’t get drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha teaches peter about pressure points

(4:17am) 

tony stark: lol shdhsb shiv 

clint barton: huh 

peter parker: he’s drunk ignore him 

tony stark: tony stank don’t get drink 

peter parker: see what i mean  
peter parker: he won’t go to bed 

natasha romanov: just knock him out 

clint barton: he’s just a baby he doesn’t know how to knock someone out 

peter parker: teach me your ways 

clint barton: oh god 

natasha romanov: so there’s a pressure point on the back of the skull it’s called the GV16 it’s used in acupuncture to treat insomnia 

peter parker: okay 

natasha romanov: but if you have a drunk person and you sneak up behind them and apply just enough pressure to that spot they’ll just pass out 

peter parker: okay  
peter parker: i’m gonna try it wish me luck 

peter parker: bro  
peter parker: it worked  
peter parker: teach me more 

clint barton: you’re getting corrupted  
clint barton: go back to being baby

natasha romanov: so next we’re gonna talk about the hichu point 

peter parker: that sounds like a sneeze 

natasha romanov: it’s a pressure point that could potentially kill somebody 

peter parker: a deadly sneeze


	16. for the meme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kYLe

(3:47pm) 

peter parker: DRIVE OVER ME   
peter parker: KILL ME 

mj: ok 

steve rogers: mj no 

tony stark: don’t encourage it 

natasha romanov: whats wrong pete 

peter parker: i met kYLe  
peter parker: fuckinf kYLe

wanda maximoff: who tf is kYLe

mj: ur mom 

peter parker: kYLe is the dude that ruined my life 

tony stark: omfg   
tony stark: kYLe is the one that made a move on harley who was peter’s boy toy thing 

wanda maximoff: were you guys dating 

peter parker: we weren’t exclusive but i thought we were getting there 

wanda maximoff: well if you weren’t together then it’s not that big of a deal   
wanda maximoff: just go to this harvey dude and tell him u want to be exclusive 

peter parker: fuck off wanda  
peter parker: why do you have to be right 

mj: anyways   
mj: what did kYLe say 

steve rogers: why are you guys spelling kyle like that 

tony stark: for the meme 

peter parker: he said that he tried to hook up with harley and they kissed but then harley shut him down 

mj: why did he shut him down 

peter parker: idk 

wanda maximoff: can i take a guess 

mj: yuh 

peter parker: no cause you’re probably gonna be right 

wanda maximoff: he shut kYLe down cause he’s into u   
wanda maximoff: so why don’t you go and talk to harvey 

peter parker: his names harley 

wanda maximoff: ik i just thought it would annoy you

mj: idek u but i like u 

wanda maximoff: uwu 

peter parker: SHIPSHIPSHIPSHIP 

tony stark: i agree


	17. steve harrington > jonathan byers

(11:23pm) 

peter parker: steve harrington > jonathan byers 

wanda maximoff: i agree 

ned leeds: i like jonathan... 

mj: of course you do 

ned leeds: what does that mean 

peter parker: mj  
peter parker: he’s out of the group 

steve rogers: who are steve harrington and jonathan byers 

tony stark: old man

peter parker: have u never seen stranger things!?

steve rogers: no 

tony stark: this is why peter calls you an old man

bucky barnes: damn steve  
bucky barnes: i’m disappointed 

steve rogers: :( 

peter parker: alright  
peter parker: everybody come to tony and i’s apartment  
peter parker: we’re binging st 

natasha romanov: i’m in 

mj: wanda and i will be there in 10 

peter parker: why are wanda and u together rn ;) 

wanda maximoff: he wants to die 

natahsa romanov: peter stop asking questions 

peter parker: okay ms. natasha :D 

clint barton: every time you call her ms natasha she tears up 

natasha romanov: it’s so precious 

tony stark: peter has successfully softened nat

mj: it’s bc he’s a baby 

peter parker: i’m gonna take that as a compliment 

steve rogers: the mighty nat has fallen!

natasha romanov: i’ll still kill you 

steve rogers: i know 

peter parker: hurry up i want to watch stranger things 

mj: ned isn’t allowed bc he likes jonathan more than steve 

ned leeds: :(


	18. Chapter 18

(2:53am) 

peter parker: guys   
peter parker: if u were a superhero   
peter parker: what would be ur superhero name 

tony stark: go to fucking bed 

peter parker: that would be a lame superhero name 

clint barton: blint carton! 

peter parker: what 

clint barton: that would be my name 

peter parker: but everybody would know it was you 

clint barton: secret identities are for pussies 

peter parker: ok..   
peter parker: anyone else 

tony stark: this is idiotic 

peter parker: i feel like tony would have a lame superhero name   
peter parker: natasha would have a dope one 

tony stark: why do you like natasha so much   
tony stark: she’s mean

peter parker: natasha is great! i love her 

clint barton: watch it kid that’s my girlfriend 

peter parker: not like that! like a friend   
peter parker: oooh or a mom 

steve rogers: a mom? 

peter parker: yeah, like she’s always there when i need her and i know she’ll stick up for me but we’re still friends   
peter parker: that’s what i picture a mom like idk i’ve never really had one   
peter parker: and she’d have a dope superhero name 

(6:47am)

natasha romanov: peter i- 

clint barton: she’s crying 

natasha romanov: i’m crying   
natasha romanov: peter i’ll be your mom friend 

peter parker: :) 

natasha romanov: and my superhero name would be dope   
natasha: i’d name myself after a spider 

peter parker: while you were sleeping i was thinking of my superhero name and you know how i was bit by that spider a couple weeks ago 

natasha romanov: yeah 

peter parker: well wouldn’t it be cool if i got spider powers and i could like stick to stuff   
peter parker: i’d name myself spider-man 

tony stark: spiderman? 

peter parker: no   
peter parker: spider-man, don’t forget the hyphen 

tony stark: oh i’m so sorry i forgot the hyphen 

peter parker: u should be   
peter parker: anyways if nat has a spider related name then we can be the spider family :) 

steve rogers: she could be your spider mom 

peter parker: exactly! 

clint barton: can i be your spider dad? 

peter parker: no 

clint barton: why not 

peter parker: cause i don’t want a dumb ass as a dad 

clint barton: fair enough 

natasha romanov: just a spider mom and her spider son 

peter parker: yup 

clint barton: she’s crying again


	19. Chapter 19

(1:47pm)

clint barton: nat just got a package in the mail addressed to spider-mom   
clint barton: i’ll keep you updated on how much she cries 

peter parker: i got her a gift 

tony stark: last week you were too broke to buy ramen and you’re over here buying nat gifts   
tony stark: i call bullshit 

steve rogers: what’d you get nat? 

clint barton: awwww   
clint barton: it’s a black hoodie with spider-mom written on it and a spider on the back 

natasha romanov: i’m never taking it off 

peter parker: :D 

tony stark: why do i kind of want one

peter parker: should i make one for everyone 

clint barton: yES 

peter parker: you guys need to come up with superhero names and i’ll put them on hoodies w a spider on the back

ned leeds: i want mine to say dude-bro 

peter parker: okay 

clint barton: blint carton! 

tony stark: gbpp 

peter parker: wut

tony stark: genius billionaire playboy philanthropist 

peter parker: if the rest don’t respond soon i’m picking names for them


	20. rhodey island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter picks nick names 
> 
> (fun fact that relates to the chapter; i am from rhode island)

(2:49pm) 

peter parker: alright   
peter parker: i put the order in for the hoodies 

tony stark: ok... 

peter parker: not everybody gave me a nickname so i chose for you   
peter parker: steve is ‘murica’ cause of that one fourth of july 

clint barton: lol that was a good fourth of july 

steve rogers: we don’t talk about that! 

peter parker: bucky is ‘steve’s bitch’ 

bucky barnes: uhm no   
bucky barnes: steve is my bitch 

steve rogers: not according to the hoodies

peter parker: rhodey is ‘rhodey island’ like rhode island lol get it?

rhodey: wow   
rhodey: how clever 

peter parker: i sense sarcasm and it is not appreciated   
peter parker: mj is ‘michael jackson’ 

mj: ok.. i guess 

peter parker: wanda is ‘witch bitch’ cause of that time we looked through her ancestry page and she is literally a descendent of witches and she’s a bitch 

wanda maximoff: i am a witch and i accept the fact that i’m a bitch 

peter parker: thor and loki never come into this chat but i got them anyway and i put ‘thunder’ for thor cause his name and the greek god and i put ‘trouble’ for loki cause the god loki is always causing trouble 

deadpool: yes thor and loki have been absent because the author can never find a way to incorporate them. same with bruce banner and sam wilson but it’s fine she’ll figure it out or something idk please bear with her 

tony stark: who the fuck 

peter parker: who is that 

tony stark: author? 

peter parker: the world around us is collapsing!

mj: stop being dramatic


	21. kYLe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony hacks peter’s snapchat for the collective good of the group

(4:12pm) 

natasha romanov: peter did you ever talk to harley about kYLe 

peter parker: shut the fuck up 

natasha romanov: i’m gonna take that as a no 

tony stark: he’s scared harley’s gonna reject him 

natasha romanov: pete.. 

peter parker: he’s going to! why would he want to be with me when he has kYLe 

mj: i think you’re forgetting the time that harley turned kyle down 

peter parker: kYLe ***

mj: whatever dipshit just talk to him 

peter parker: idk 

natasha romanov: fine, i’ll talk to him   
natasha romanov: i’m sick of u coming to clint and i’s and moping cause you’re lonely 

peter parker: sorry i want to spend time w my friends   
peter parker: and don’t talk to him i’ll do it when i’m ready 

tony stark: well you better get ready cause i just hacked your snapchat and sent him a message telling him to come over :) 

peter parker: whAT   
peter parker: I HAVE TO GET READY


	22. fair nuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harley’s back

(8:27pm) 

tony stark: just got back to the apartment to find peter and harley cuddled up on the couch   
tony stark sent a photo (harley and peter being cute) 

clint barton: aw   
clint barton: he’s growing up :’)

peter parker: y’all are fucking creepy 

steve rogers: are you going to add him back into the chat or... 

peter parker added harley keener to the chat 

peter parker: welcome back 

harley keener: hey guys 

natasha romanov: pete you have to get him a hoodie 

peter parker: good idea! i’m gonna order it now 

harley keener: hoodie? 

peter parker: yeah i made hoodies for everybody and i put nicknames and a spider on the back cause we’re the spider family idk scroll up and read the texts it will make more sense 

tony stark: you’re sitting right next to him stop talking in the chat ffs 

peter parker: whatever dAd 

natasha romanov: whats harley’s nickname 

peter parker: harls <3 

bucky barnes: ngl but that’s some cute shit 

steve rogers: peter you’ve melted his cold heart 

bucky barnes: stfu 

peter parker: hi bucky! it feels like i haven’t talked to you in a while 

bucky barnes: that’s cause i avoid this chat. you guys are insane 

peter parker: fair nuff 

tony stark: why did you spell it like that   
tony stark: i just threw up in my mouth 

peter parker: stop being dramatic   
peter parker: anyways i gotta go, harley’s here and i don’t want to talk to you guys 

clint barton: uh huh what’re you and harley doing that’s more important than us 

harley keener: ;) 

clint barton: fair nuff

steve rogers: EW STOP I DON’T WANT TO KNOW


	23. little alien baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter wants to raid area 51

(2:52am)

clint barton: i’m gonna be one of the people raiding area 51 in september 

tony stark: that’s not actually gonna happen clint 

steve rogers: area 51 is all a conspiracy  
steve rogers: there’s nothing there and aliens aren’t real 

peter parker: you’re an idiot, rogers 

steve rogers: of course peter believes in aliens 

tony stark: i have to side with pete   
tony stark: aliens definitely do exist but they’re not being held in area 51

peter parker: ha   
peter parker: fuckin idiot

steve rogers: woah rude   
steve rogers: watch your language 

bucky barnes: this is why he calls you old   
bucky barnes: and aliens exist 

peter parker: i’ll come to the raid with you clint :) 

steve rogers: for christ’s sake 

bucky barnes: shut the fuck up steve   
bucky barnes: i’m goin too 

peter parker: we can get an alien!   
peter parker: and he’ll be my new best friend 

ned leeds: no, i object   
ned leeds: i’m your one and only best friend

mj: nice try ned   
mj: peter, tell ned who your real best friend is 

peter parker: uhm   
peter parker: ...harley

harley keener: that’s a lie he just doesn’t want to choose between the two of you 

peter parker: hi harls 

harley keener: hi petey 

tony stark: you joining the area 51 raid, keener? 

harley keener: of course 

peter parker: omfg we can get a little alien baby and it can be our son! 

harley keener: YES   
harley keener: he will be named parley 

tony stark: parley? 

harley keener: peter and harley 

peter parker: awww   
peter parker: i love it 

natasha romanov: i’m going to have to advise against abducting an alien and calling it your son 

peter parker: it wouldn’t be abduction   
peter parker: we’d be saving him 

harley keener: what if they’re doing experiments on him :( 

peter parker: poor parley   
peter parker: we must rescue him 

clint barton: i’ll lead the troops to area 51   
clint barton: #rescueparley


	24. admin privileges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony doesn’t have admin privileges

(3:52am) 

peter parker: i just checked my screen time and i’ve spent 6 hours on tiktok 

tony stark: go to bed 

peter parker: you’re not asleep  
peter parker: stop acting like you have a healthy sleep schedule 

tony stark has kicked peter parker from the chat 

(6:30am) 

harley keener: how do you have admin privileges   
harley keener: you kicked the creator of the chat out of the chat

tony stark: i don’t, but i’m tony stark so i know how to do things with technology 

harley keener: can you give me admin privileges? 

tony stark: i could but i don’t want to

harley keener: rood 

(7:43am) 

natasha romanov: are you going to add peter back or... 

tony stark: when i kicked him from the chat he went to sleep so when he wakes up i’ll add him back 

harley keener: i want admin privileges 

tony stark: too bad 

steve rogers: awww   
steve rogers: tony’s being a good dad making sure peter gets enough sleep 

tony stark has kicked steve rogers from the chat

natasha romanov: and when are you going to add steve back 

tony stark: i’m not 

ned leeds: i’ll do it 

ned leeds has added peter parker and steve rogers to the chat 

harley keener: do you have admin privileges 

ned leeds: no

harley keener: teach me your ways, leeds 

ned leeds: i’ll show you how to hack it next time you’re at my dorm 

harley keener: be there in 10 

tony stark: nobody says ‘hack’ anymore, it’s not the 80’s

(11:19am) 

harley keener has kicked tony stark from the chat 

harley keener: ha bitch 

peter parker: give him about five seconds 

tony stark has added tony stark to the chat 

tony stark: nice try 

harley keener: pete at this point you should just give everybody admin privileges 

peter parker: no, you guys would have too much power 

harley keener: :(


	25. succulent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clint has a concussion

(8:13pm) 

clint barton: hehe 

peter parker: oh no 

bucky barnes: hide your kids 

tony stark: fuck the kids save yourselves 

harley keener: wut 

peter parker: when clint hehe’s that means he is planning something 

natasha romanov: i locked myself in a closet to keep myself safe 

steve rogers: good luck nat 

peter parker: nat is there a vent in your closet

natasha romanov: O FUCK 

peter parker: NATASHA RUN 

loki: you people are fucking wack 

clint barton: just because you said that, you’re next 

loki: try me, bitch 

peter parker: loki i know you’re weird an scary in your own ways but when clint hehe’s he turns into a psychopath 

loki: thank you small child, but i can handle myself

peter parker: i’m only three years younger than you   
peter parker: oh shithzhcsixjsjcj 

bucky barnes: oh my god clint got him 

clint barton: petER WHAT THE FUCK 

tony stark: BABAHAHAH I WALKED IN AND CLINT IS ON THE GROUND WITH A BROKEN POT AROUND HIM 

peter parker: i hit him in the head

natasha romanov: does he need to go to the hospital

clint barton: he threw a succulent at me 

peter parker: you fell out of my ceiling vent 

clint barton: i was gonna give you a hug 

peter parker: you hehe’d what was i supposed to think 

clint barton: fair enuf   
clint barton: i think i have a concussion

peter parker: i hope you do 

clint barton: ajdhishsxhdjx 

peter parker: oh shit   
peter parker: he just tried to stand up and threw up all over my carpet then passed out in the vomit 

tony stark: THAT CARPET WAS FUCKING EXPENSIVE 

natasha romanov: STARK MY BOYFRIEND IS PASSED OUT IN A POOL OF VOMIT AND YOURE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR CARPET 

peter parker: to be fair, it was a nice carpet


	26. requests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> send me requests!!

(3:12am) 

deadpool: the author has no ideas at the moment and would really appreciate if she was given ideas and requests that the readers would like to see in the weird ass story. the author is also going to start writing mini peter/harley stories bc she loves them so very much so feel free to send in requests for those too 

peter parker: what in the fuck


	27. gourmet ramen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony’s rich

(3:12pm) 

tony stark: lmao guess who bought another car

peter parker: we don’t have room for another car

tony stark: i know, it’s going to my house in malibu 

steve rogers: you have a house in malibu?

tony stark: yeah and in LA and Manhattan and Tampa and peter and i’s apartment which is mostly my apartment bc peter doesn’t pay for anything 

peter parker: oh, my bad, let me pull my stacks of cash out of my ass 

harley keener: he doesn’t have stacks of cash in his ass   
harley keener: ...i would have found them 

peter parker: HARLEY 

steve rogers: eW 

steve rogers has left the chat 

peter parker: i can’t even afford ramen   
peter parker: poor people tingz

tony stark: don’t worry, i’ll supply the ramen 

peter parker: i don’t want your ramen   
peter parker: this mother fucker buys gourmet ramen

clint barton: what is gourmet ramen 

peter parker: idk but we have a shit ton of it 

tony stark: stop attacking my ramen 

peter parker: bitch just buy normal ramen it’s 75 cents

tony stark: tony stark doesn’t by 75 cent ramen like a broke boy   
tony stark: he buys nice shit 

harley keener: why are you talking about yourself in the third person 

tony stark: tony stark does what he wants 

natasha romanov: pete can you really not buy ramen?

peter parker: i work three jobs just to pay my tuition 

tony stark: i told you i’d pay for it

peter parker: no, that’s too much money 

tony stark: fine, go and eat your 75 cent ramen poor boy 

peter parker: i cANT CAUSE YOU WONT BUY ANY


	28. happy birthday mj

(4:23pm) 

peter parker: RIP my eyes  
peter parker: i wanted to surprise mj for her birthday but when i got there she was already receiving a present 

steve rogers: huh?

peter parker: wanda’s present 

steve rogers: ohhhh ew

tony stark: did you knock before you went in 

peter parker: it wouldn’t have been a surprise if she knew i was there so no 

mj: that was your first mistake 

wanda maximoff: sorry pete 

peter parker: no amount of apologies will make up for what i saw 

mj: stop being dramatic we were just making out on the couch 

peter parker: my innocent eyes 

wanda maximoff: to be fair you were shirtless 

mj: i had a bra on, it’s not like i was naked 

tony stark: it sounds like peter is just being a little bitch 

peter parker: u right 

tony stark: i always am 

mj: stfu stark everybody knows you’re an idiot 

wanda maximoff: ahahaha mj’s right 

tony stark: y’all are mean 

peter parker: y’all  
peter parker: you sound like harley 

harley keener: :( 

peter parker: it’s cute when you say it babe 

harley keener: :) 

mj: alright i’m gonna go make out with my girlfriend 

wanda maximoff: yay 

peter parker: bye guys  
peter parker: happy birthday mj 

harley keener: alright i’m gonna take after mj and go make out with my boyfriend 

peter parker: that’s me ;)

tony stark: i’m so lonely


	29. love at first sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony meets pepper

(2:49pm)

tony stark: i just met the most amazing girl in the world 

natasha romanov: thanks tony :) 

tony stark: not you idiot 

peter parker: i’d watch what you say to natasha 

tony stark: anyways   
tony stark: the girl 

steve rogers: what girl? 

tony stark: THE girl 

peter parker: get on with it 

tony stark: i met my soul mate 

natasha romanova: didn’t you say you just met her 

tony stark: it’s love at first sight 

natasha romanov: yeah ok 

tony stark: didn’t you feel that with clint?

natasha romanov: fuck no   
natasha romanov: i thought he was an idiot 

peter parker: and you were correct 

clint barton: you guys are mean 

tony stark: get back on track   
tony stark: the girl 

natasha romanov: what about her 

tony stark: i lovE HER 

peter parker: damn okay 

steve rogers: who is she 

tony stark: your fucking mother 

steve rogers: ffs 

tony stark: her name is pepper 

peter parker: you can be the salt to her pepper 

tony stark: shut the fuck up 

peter parker: okie


	30. rip harley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony murters 💀 harley

(3:47pm) 

peter parker: listen bitches   
peter parker: i’m an orphan lol

steve rogers: why is that lol 

natasha romanov: it’s his coping mechanism 

peter parker: christmas break is coming up and i’m an orphan so who am i spending christmas break with

tony stark has left the chat 

peter parker: wow ok 

harley keener: come w me   
harley keener: you can meet my mom and my sister 

peter parker: uhm idk

harley keener: why not   
harley keener: they’ll love you 

peter parker: i think i’d die   
peter parker: or throw up   
peter parker: or throw up and then die 

tony stark has added tony stark to the chat 

tony stark: stop being a little bitch and go meet your boyfriends family 

tony stark has left the chat 

harley keener has added tony stark to the chat 

harley keener: stop being a bad friend 

tony stark: excuse you bitch 

tony stark has removed harley keener from existence 

tony stark has left the chat 

clint barton: what in the fuck

ned leeds: OMFG DID YOU KILL HIM?!? 

peter parker: Stark, bring my boyfriend back to life right fucking now or i will pour bleach in you cactus 

tony stark has resuscitated harley keener 

steve rogers: i am so confused 

peter parker: lmao guess i’m spending the holidays with the rats!


End file.
